My First Love

My First Love

Mountain biking isn’t a sport, an activity, a lifestyle or an adventure. It’s just an exercise in consumption. Reviews are more important than any other aspect of a media outlet’s portfolio.
1. The guy at the company whose product you are reviewing. This person wants to see a glowing report and if he or she doesn’t then the flow of gear might dry up; 2. A honch at the media outlet you are writing the review for. They want to make sure that your review is widely read and don’t want what you wrote to impact ad sales. If it does then it could be your last day on the job. 3. The readers. They want honest consumer advice because they want to be sure their hard-earned green is well spent.

It’s a lot of pressure to satisfy the first two, but not hard… if you ignore the third group.

Beginnings
Starting a review is hard. You’re not writing War and Peace but the opener is still important. You shouldn’t start with an explanation of the manufacturer’s choice to use cold-forged over CNC pivot hardware, that’s a bit boring. A good place to start is by just rewriting the catalogue copy. That’s what it’s there for, right? Furthermore, if you don’t really know what to say about the bike/ didn’t actually understand what the engineers told you about the suspension kinematics/ need to pad out the word count; then just rehash the catalogue copy.

1. Compliment sandwich
So you found something that grinds your gears about the bike but you don’t want to be the squeaky link (squeaky links don’t get the oil, they get ignored, put in the corner, or chopped). Remember that although you tell your mother that you’re a real, big boy journalist, deep down you know you’re just here to lube the industry, so wrap the less-than-glowing parts of your review between or around some really effusive positives. Example: if you don’t like the handling/ suspension/ the build quality/ parts spec, then just quickly gloss over that fact with a cursory mention, then cover your tracks with an Although, But, or However. “I thought the tire choice was less than ideal for the trails we used on our test track BUT the attention to detail of BRAND-X to spec a silver-coloured bottle cage on production models was an inspired decision that shows they really get it.”
2. Blame yourself, gently
If something isn’t great about a bike but you don’t want to appear to put a downer on proceedings then one option is to blame yourself, albeit gently. For example: “I thought the tire choice was less than ideal for the trails we used on our test track…” shows that while you might really think that the tires would be better suited to burning for heat in the winter you are actually saying, “it’s not you, it’s me.”

The Humble brag:
Not all, but many reviews, will use a sentence along the lines of “This bike allowed me to rip through singletrack/ glide over rocks/ blast corners” etc. What the reader reads is that the bike magically bestowed powers of shredding upon them that they otherwise wouldn’t possess. But, what the reviewer really wants the reader to think is that they are a fire-breathing, shred-machine. This is the reviewer’s chance to puff out their chest and tell the world how fast/ great/ tough they really [think] they are. It also serves to stoke-out the sales guys/ advertisers/ potential buyers who see what they want, anyway.

Feats of strength
Always take the amount of times you actually rode the bike or distance you rode it and double it, no, screw it, quadruple it! Use the review to brag about how far you rode, because the review isn’t about the bike, it’s just an opportunity to show off to all the readers. Make them think you are a superhuman cycle-shredder, because 99% of readers won’t ever get to know you and find out that really you are an aging, doddering, old git who rides like a granny, but slower.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR LOVE.